It was very meta of me to see this while I too was massively hungover. Then I remembered I’d already seen this exact same film with the first Hangover, so instead I nodded off and dreamt about Hangover Part III: Fucked Up on Mars.

Verdict: Stu’s wife adjusted to his face tattoo with a bit too much equanimity. Also the Kanye kept waking me up.

B-

zzzzzzuh? Mhh? I thought Magneto had a British accent. Do I have to wait til the sequel to the rebooted prequel to find out?

Verdict: Nothing puts me to sleep like the Cuban Missile Crisis.

B

Wait, if that guy’s Hemingway, is Owen Wilson Faulkner? How come he doesn’t have a Southern accent? Commit to the role, Wilson. I assume I slept through the part where Vince Vaughn showed up as Beckett. 

Verdict: Cole Porter puts me to sleep.

B

There were a bunch of shots of Milwaukee looking very Milwaukee, which is pure knockout gas if you ask me. I dreamt that Kristin Wiig added a bunch of i’s to her name til she became Kristin Wiiiiiiiig, and then she threw all her i’s at me but they were really funny i’s in hideous dresses and then I woke up and Wilson Phillips was playing. Is that weird?

Verdict: Waking up to Wilson Phillips is not ok.

B-

Ok, I just woke up and they’re already blowing up trains. Did Vin Diesel’s character have a stroke during the opening credits? Why is he talking like that? Why would the cops care about grand theft auto in one of the murder capitals of the world?

Mmzzzguhh… I’m up. I must have missed the Rock explaining why he’s trying to dress and look like the very criminal he’s after.

I had a “drifting” joke, but I forgot to write it down.

Verdict: It kept getting loud, then staying loud, which helped me stay awake. Can’t wait for Fast Six: This One’s For Detroit.

B+

Wuh? Huh? Did I take like three small naps or one long nap? He’s still on the train. We’re both confused. Was Jeffrey Wright on the train, and that’s why he uses a crutch? This must be one of those “It was all a dream” films. 

Verdict: This is 8min. short film on repeat for 2hrs. Perfect for narcoleptics.

A-